Last night I had a pretty rough night. I was sitting in my room struggling with God. It was one of those moments where you could not let Him go until you got what you needed. I was in need of His voice and heaven was as silent as my sleeping wife. I sat in the shower for thirty minutes waiting for Him to speak. Nothing. I felt overwhelmed with emotions and I decided I had to be proactive and find Him even if that meant looking in safe places where I found Him before. So I turned into the front zipper pocket of my laptop bag. Certainly the Lord Almighty lives in there! In that tiny compartment contained all of the encouragement and reminder that I needed to get my heart and focus back.

Slowly I reached into the zipper pouch in search of that which would give me life. In my bag I located the source and my search was over. I pulled out all of the letters, words, birthday cards, prayers, and scriptures people gave me over the course of the year. I have saved every one of them because they mean so much to me. Truly they are one of my favorite things I own in the world. The letters are saturated with the Holy Spirit, as I read them they speak the Love of God into my heart. As I was reading the letters, cards and notes I was just flooded with the reminder of who God is and who I am.   One card in particular was a reminder to "...hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. " (Heb 10:23) This was a great reminder that I have to hang on what I know to be true. As I read through these treasures I realized how FORTUNATE I was to have gone on the WR. I was allowed to be a part of a community that Loved with every ounce of their beings. I was permitted the honor of being with a people that saw the best in me and fought for me to see it as well. I was blessed by a tribe that cared enough to take the time to pray for me and write things down so I can hold them forever. As I read I began to weep. (Happening Again) Not tears of sorrow, but a combination of joy sprinkled with sadness. Sadness because I miss the L-squad SO MUCH and joy that I was permitted to be a part of their lives. I have been marked forever by this experience and I will never be the same. L-Squad thank you for your support, encouragement and prayers truly I have no words to express my

Shoutouts:

Erika - Nuf said!

Nicole- You are Joy, you are God's princess and you just rock is so hard! I am so glad I met you! (You would have gotten pink if Erika was not around. You are royalty though)

Jessica- You have a fierce love that never quits! You fight for people and have a desire for truth that is contagious!!

Will, Chino, Guillermo, Bruce Lee- You are my brother! You are so tender and compassionate you make preferring others look easy!

Erika- You are the best life partner ever! You make me a better man every day! You have a way about you that changes people! You are grace and beauty

Jamie- You are so stable. You are a rock that people can trust in! You are always there you don't change! You are an artistic jewel!

Jordan- Dude, You are a fierce woman of God! You have a spirit designed for war! You will not back down and you will not take no for an answer! You have a passion that lites people ablaze. You are the virgin that kept oil in her lamp!

Justine- You are like my sister! I am so glad you are in my life! You are so strong in the Lord yet so wise and beautiful! You are fierce and have a power to change things and challenge the establishment! You are purely you!

Celeste- I wish we were together longer! You are such a woman of honor and integrity! You are a spear in the Lords hand that He uses so mightily to wage war against the enemy! You are a woman!

Alana- I swear we are family! You have a gift that is so amazing! I have never met someone who has eyes like you ;) You are a fierce princess that wages war. You straight up scar satan with the love you give!

Becka- I wish we had more time together! You are a jewel. You remind me of Audry Hepburn and I don't even know what that means. You are style, grace, beauty, honesty, integrity and Miss Patti all rolled up!

Haley- Dang Girl! You are on fire! You are the kind of person that people relate to and you give them the love they need to transition into who they are called to be.

Katie- Why did I have to start liking you? God must have plans for you! You are a great woman who lives with integrity. You strengthen those around you!

Kelsi- Still rocking what you gave me! You are a great bus buddy! You are such an encourager! You help people get to higher ground!

Matthew- You are a beautiful Jesus! You have a peace about you that settles people. You view the world differently than most which gives you such a beautiful vantage point. Your writings are AMAZING! You are so tender! Thank you for sharing your heart with me!

Melina- Ha.... what to say! You are so incredible! You are such an encouragement to me! You are out there chasing the impossible knowing that it is possible! You have strengthened me so much!

Sanders- You encourage me! You have NO CLUE what God has in store for you! You are AMAZING!

Tyson- You have so much integrity in your life! You are going to help so many people become who they are called to be! You have encouraged me so much.

Weston- URAQT. I will cherish moments like that forever. You are balanced! Willing to be crazy for the right things but you come back to center. You pull the best out of people! You command respect.

As we approach the end of the World Race so many variables are up in the air.  Before Erika and I left on the World Race our primary prayer was that God would show us what the next step of our lives was to look like. While in Africa, I was starting to get restless because we still did not know what was next for us.  We kept praying, but heaven appeared to be silent on the issue.  I would pray, "God, I need to know the next step so I can start getting things in order."  In God's infinite wisdom He did not tell me early in the trip because He knew I would pull my hair out if I had too much time.  While in Berlin, God made it CRYSTAL CLEAR what the next step in our endeavor was!  He told Erika and I over and over and OVER that we needed to move to Pasadena, California where I would be attending Fuller University for a MDIV.  I was overwhelmed and super excited all at the same time.  Before the World Race, I had never wanted to attend a seminary school, and I NEVER WANTED TO MOVE TO CALI.  But somehow, both things became the desire of my heart when God breathed life on it!!!  I am so thankful He gave me vision and direction!  Once I got the "word of the Lord," I took off sprinting to get stuff done!  Within a day, Erika and I had applied for school, loans, housing, jobs . . . you get the picture. 

God has wired me to be a man that knows how to accomplish tasks with excellence and in an efficient manner!  I say that to credit Him for the gifts He gave me, not to boast in myself.  (However, I am freaking incredible and awesome!)  We began doing everything Erika and I needed to do for the move.  At the end of the day, I looked around and God was not there.  I looked back and He was still at the word GO.  He had not been invited into the process of accomplishing stuff.  I stopped what I was doing and said, "Lord, I am sorry I left you at GO!  Please be a part of this process.  I am sorry I did not invite you into the process."   In that time I realized how Moses felt when God told him to cross over into the promise land.  Moses did not want to be in the promise land, He wanted to be with God.  His heart cried, "God, I can't go anywhere without you!  You are my life and nothing else matters!  Lord, stay with me!  Let me stay with you!!!!"  This became the cry of my heart!  Lord, I can't go to school without you!  I can't make this move unless you are there with me.  I need you as the breath in my lungs and food to my stomach.  I knew in that moment that God was with me and would be moving with me!  Shortly after this, God reminded me of Genesis 15:1- After these things the word of the LORD came unto Brad in a vision, saying, Fear not, Brad: I am your shield, and your exceeding great reward. (God was talking to Abram not Brad) 

Knowing God is our reward is comforting; knowing God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him also encourages me!  I have to confess to you that I had a major faith crisis in this situation.  To move across the country without your friends and family is a very hard decision to make!  Yet, to be obedient to God is so worth it!  In the mix of things I began thinking of the reality of the situation.  I was moving across the country with my wife!  We do not have jobs, and the economy is not fantastic . . . I will be enrolled in school and trying to adapt to a new life after being out of the country for a year . . . the weight of the situation was getting pretty heavy!  God is really clear that if a man can not provide for his family his religion is in vain.  Shoot, I don't want to be that man!  Yet, I don't have a job or even Internet access where I am to look for one.  I began to have anxiety and stress on a scale I have never experienced before!  I was actually sick for almost a week because of the stress and anxiety I had taken on!  I could not shake it!  I know that the Bible tells us to be anxious about nothing!  Yet I could not pray enough to release my anxiety.  I was talking with my team about the situation and they gave me the insight I needed to approach this situation and gain victory.  One of my team members told me my mindset was all wrong.  She told me my fear was a result of having a poverty mindset - the belief that no matter how much I have, it would never be enough.  No matter how many times God has come through and provided for me, I am always afraid it won't happen the next time!  Whoah... smack.... punch.... right in the face!  That is it!  I have seen the provision of God countless times, but I fear it is not for me!  I know God loves me, and desires to give me good gifts and even His kingdom.  Yet I could not defeat my fear and poverty mindset.  Now that I saw the monster for what it was, I began to attack, rather than continue to be attacked!  I began to renew my mind, and I resolved that God "...provides our needs according to His riches..."  God DOES provide!  He wants to take care of me!  He is a good daddy!  While the situation I find myself in has still not changed (we still don't have enough money to make the move, jobs, etc), my mindset has changed.  I trust God in a new way!  I believe God wants me to go to Pasadena, and I believe He will provide for me!  I don't expect money to fall from the sky, but I realize that income is always faith-based, even if we work for a huge company like Google.  At the end of the day, God is the one who allows us to get a paycheck and stay employed. 

In this process, God has had me reading about Samuel.  I read something interesting in:

1 Samuel10:25- Then Samuel told the people the ways of royalty, and wrote it in a book, and laid it up before the LORD. And Samuel sent all the people away, every man to his house.

I began to think of royalty and the life of someone raised in a King's palace.  A prince, king, princess - they all know who they are and never fear having lack.  The thought of not being provided for would never cross their minds because everything is at their disposal at any moment.  (Selah) In God's Kingdom we are sons and daughters, and we are co-heirs to the throne, thanks to Jesus.  According to logic, this makes us kings, princes, queens and princesses.  By default, we should not worry about stuff because we know that God is for us and not against us.  He tells us not to worry about tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong - He did not tell us NOT to plan for tomorrow, just not to WORRY about it!  Now that I have my head on right, I am reminded who I am in Christ!  In God, the promises are yes and amen and I am moving from Glory to Glory!  This whole situation has me moving closer into the Heart of God!  I realize that this is very much about now and what I am going through!  I also realize this is about my heart posture and how I choose to respond to the stimulus thrown at me.  Beyond that, this is about me gaining victory over something so that I can equip people for the same battle in their own lives!  I praise God that He is multi-dimensional and incredible all the time! 

We had such an amazing time in Berlin. We were totally transformed by God in the time we were there. We left out of Berlin on a 25 hour bus ride. Yes that is 25 hours in a bus. The bus we were on only stopped every four hours to use the restroom. Are you kidding? That is not enough! I have to pee every three minutes! Often bus rides are great! I have time alone, no where to go and few distractions. I get a lot of quality thinking done on buses. This year I have spent close to 250 hours on a bus. That is ten days. That is not including planes or trains. I mean, that is a lot of travel! Sorry, I got off topic. So after 25 hours of riding a bus we were dropped off in Edinet, Moldova. The bus dropped us of in the middle of the road... seriously. We were fortunate enough to have a local willing to help us find a shuttle to take us the rest of the way to Ocntia, Moldova. Our shuttle took us one hour up the road and he stopped at an intersection where there was a little construction. We were unable to go under the bridge. I looked up and a man was walking to the shuttle. It was our contact. He informed us as soon as the construction was over he would come pick us up in his van. Fast forward. Our contact picks us up in the van, we get our stuff loaded and he says, "you ready to go camping." I though to myself, "uh... HECK NO!!" After being in Berlin and then on a bus for 25 hours all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep! I was exhausted. The van took us another 2 hours into the vast wilderness where we found our lovely shanty that was awaiting us. My attitude sucked and I needed a major attitude check! There was not enough room in the house so Erika and I had to pitch a tent! We camped outside for three days! Our conditions were primitive. We bathed in the river and used the restroom in the smelliest outhouse I have found this year. I have to admit that every part of me was pissed off! I wanted a real bed and a hot meal! I was not expecting this at all! Fortunate for me and everyone around me, I woke up the next day feeling a lot better! I realized I was surrounded by beautiful scenery! We were in a valley with a river running through it! It turned out to be a great time of relaxation.

After our three days was over we went back to Ocnita, Moldova and began to teach an English camp. The camp was twice a day, three hours each time... The children were very sweet and super smart! We played lots of sports and taught them English from the book of Genesis. We found out that we were actually going to be leaving this ministry site! We knew we would be leaving soon. Three days after we go to Ocnita we left and headed to another location in Moldova. We took another bus for around two hours and we arrived at the bus stop and we met our new contact! He is actually younger than I am! He is an amazing man! His English is very limited, but he is incredible! I wish we could speak more! I think we would be great friends. I don't even know the name of the village we are living in. That is odd. Any way, we are still living in the 1800's. There is no running water. However, we do have a well pretty close to us. We take bucket showers and we are all sleeping on our mats that we brought with us. Not quite as fancy as the Hilton, but much more cozy! Our ministry the past week has been walking around hoping to meet people to talk to! That is it! Quite simple, just making friends and sharing the love of Jesus with them. I think that every person we have talked to has started crying. There is a lot of sorrow here, and for some reason they see us as a sign of hope. We have been so fortunate to be here! The "sisters" from the church have been taking such good care of us! They have prepared every meal for us and cleaned up after us after most! We are being spoiled in some ways! Yet in contrast we take bucket showers, wash clothes by hand, use the outhouse, sleep on the floor... I guess this month is really teaching us we don't need a lot in life to be happy!

I know I need to write a blog, but I feel like so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin. As you may know we are in Berlin, Germany and have been for a little while. We were originally scheduled to leave here on July 12^th. I was having a horrendous time finding transport on those days to Moldova. I must have spent at least five hours searching for buses, trains, or planes. I had NO luck. I was too dense to think that maybe God was saying something. I was fighting, relying on my strengths to accomplish the task at hand. One day I asked Chuck (our contact) to take me to the bus station. He obliged and we went on our merry way. The van ride was mostly silent. I had a crazy experience in the van ride. The longer we were out the more disturbed I became. I had an agitation in my chest that words can not describe. I just knew that we were not supposed to leave on the 12^th. As I thought about it and prayed about it I knew what I needed to do. It was my job to ask our teams to pray about it together. When we got home the troops gathered together and we hit the prayer carpet! I asked everyone to take ten minutes to listen to God and ask Him what He wanted us to do. Durring the ten minutes we all had an encounter with Heaven. God revealed his love to us, and His desire for us for the next few days. He made it clear that we were not supposed to leave just yet. There was more that He wanted us to do here, and that He wanted to do with us.

Since we have been here our contact has asked us to only do a few things. Our ministry this month has been:

1. Prayer

2. Worship

3. Listening to God

We have been pouring every ounce of our heart and soul out into Berlin and the people working in the harvest here. The more we pour out the more God is pouring Himself in us. I am so honored and lucky to be here! There is something amazing about how God is blessing our efforts to restore this great Nation! The spiritual history in this place is incredible! This nation has a history of glorifying God and it was tainted for a long time! It is still tarnished and beaten, but God the King of Glory, the Restoration of Worlds is HERE! God inhabits the people in Berlin! He honors those who are laboring in the harvest here! He is offering Himself to us in fresh new ways here. I have seen each person on my team increase in who they are in dramatic ways! God is shaking us! We are watching each other be transformed into the very image of Jesus daily! We are learning to love more, care more, give more, and be more! We are becoming the very people Jesus created us to be. I am in a continual state of awe! God, my creator is refining all of us in such unique ways! It is His very nature to be perfect, and I am watching Him perfecting each of the women on my team. They have always been incredible women! They have massive hearts that break when God's heart breaks. They have gifts from God that are scary! They have the ability to change a room just by walking into it! The same Holy Spirit that lives in Jesus lives in each of them. Just being around my girls watching what God is doing them renders me speechless. I feel like I am watching them jump into the deep end of the pool. I wish I had words to tell you how magnificent the beauty of God is in them! They are reflecting His image to me daily in their smiles, laughter, worship, prayer, concern, service, compassion... I am just in awe of Him and how He can use us.

I think of this often. How is it that the Great and Mighty God of the Universe can find a way to use me, delight in me, love me, and spend time with me? Seriously, how does He stop what He is doing to laugh at Jordan with me? I know He does not stop what He is doing! He actually brushes Justine's hair out of her face while, showing Jamie how creative she is, while breaking Jordan's heart for injustice, while twirling Erika around on the dance floor, while laughing with me at how Great each of them are. God created time, therefore; He is not within the confounds of time! He is outside of time. God has the ability to spend all of eternity in one moment........ Maybe the moment where you gave your life with Him. Maybe the moment where you were wounded, where you forgave, where you danced, where you sang. Maybe His is living in each of those moments with you. I am realizing that God is a lunatic for the way He loves us. It is reckless. He has abandoned logical thought, thrown all caution to the wind and leaped into our arms. I can tangibly feel God's love for me in Berlin. He is speaking to me and helping me realize so much! He is such a gentleman and His timing in impeccable.

While we have been in Berlin, Jamie Neumann has received a creative bug that is contagious. Jamie asked all of us to pick a few words to describe who we are in Berlin. I was thinking about it and decided that I AM WHO I AM. This phrase is so intense for me that I hardly know what it means. I am is who God revealed Himself as to Moses in Exodus 3:14-God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " God is telling Moses I AM. Not I was or will be, but I AM! The deal with God is He just IS, he will not be or was. He straight up just IS!

 

God is communicating His heart to Erika and I a lot this year. One of the main things we have heard repeatedly is the power and authority God has given us. Since I became a Christian I have know that God purposed me for great things. I also knew that He would have to give me a strong wife to put up with me and do what I am called to do. Honestly, I do not know what I will be doing in my future, I have desires and hopes. But the reality of the situation is I don't know what I will be doing. There are a few things I am certain of:

1. God loves me

2. He gave me a great wife

3. He has an intense call on my life

4. He has an extreme call on our marriage

God is speaking frequently about the spiritual authority we have in our marriage. When I hear this a extreme excitement begins to churn within me! I love how God works multi-dimensionally. God knows the desires of my heart! He knew since I was a small boy I loved hot, skinny, blonds. God also knew that I wanted a woman who was smart, like pushes me to be smart cause she is so smart. He also knew I wanted a woman that was funny and as long as Erika is not trying she is a riot! Above all God knew that my heart was to serve Him all of my days. He knows me! He knows my strengths and weaknesses more than I do. In His infinite grace He reveals things to me so that I can improve myself for His glory. Sadly, I overlook so many of my shortcomings. I become full of pride and boast in myself. Fortunately, God knows my every thought and need. He knows I need Erika in my life to encourage me to be the man God has called me to be. He knows I needed a strong woman that can see me as I am, and help me become who I need to be! He knows I want to be pushed to greatness! Therefore, He gave me Erika. I have heard it said, "behind every great man is a greater woman." I can not confirm the validity of this statement, but I can attest to its validity in my own life. Erika is my best friend and my life partner! She is a gift from God and He requires me to steward her wisely. She loves me just as I am, yet she refuses to let me settle! She rouses me to greatness! She hears the ringing of the call and she answers with me! The call is exciting, but nothing can be built without a foundation. God has made it very clear what my foundation is:

1. Love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, strength

2. Love Erika and serve her as Jesus serves me

3. Love everyone more than I love myself

   (You can not love others till you love yourself)

4. Remain humble

I believe if I establish these four pillars in my life everything else will take care of itself. God tends to make things pretty easy, yet incredibly complicated at the same time. He did promise His yoke would be easy and His burden light. I truly do not know what we will do in our lives for the Lord, however; I am confident I have the partner God intended me to have!

 

It has become normal to hear the sounds of Heavenly instruments playing wherever I go, all throughout the day.

I has become normal to hear angels harmonizing with us while we worship.

It has become normal to see armies of angels standing in front, behind, and on either side of us when we pray.

It has become normal to experience God's presence EVERYWHERE.

It has become normal to hear God's voice audibly.

It has become normal to not just read the book of Acts, but to LIVE the book of Acts.

It has become normal to see the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit descending over us when we worship Him.

It has become normal to have our eyes so fixed on God, that we become completely unaware of ourselves.

It has become normal to say things we ourselves did not think to say; to pray things we ourselves did not think to pray; to sing songs we ourselves did not write.

It has become normal to pray in a Heavenly language.

It has become normal to weep uncontrollably over the things that grieve the Holy Spirit.

It has become normal to fall madly in love with complete strangers.

It has become normal to be the ones telling the stories of God's love and power, and not the ones hearing about them.

It has become normal to break out into side-splitting laughter with the joy of the Holy Spirit.

It has become normal to believe in AND TO SEE healing and deliverance.

It has become normal to see the harvest of our labor.

It has become normal to fight alongside our brothers and sisters with a fiercely INTENSE love.

It has become normal to be contagious, and to INFECT TRUTH wherever we go.

It has become normal to live a life of BOLD FAITH.

It has become normal to walk in our callings and our giftings.

It has become normal to cry out for more of God, and then to receive it.

It has become normal to live a life of expectancy, excitement, and hope.

It has become normal to be Holy Spirit filled, Holy Spirit led, and Holy Spirit empowered.

It has become normal to live in the everyday miraculous.

It has become normal to actively pursue "Your Kingdom Come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."

It has become normal to break loose from all chains and bondage and step into a life of COMPLETE FREEDOM!

It has become normal to have significance, purpose, and destiny.

I have come to realize that the "normal" Christian life means miracles, spiritual intervention, and revelation. I have come to realize that the "normal" Christian life means having an appetite for the impossible that cannot be ignored, wished away, or satisfied by anything else. I have come to realize that the "normal" Christian life means continuous encounters with the incomparable power of Holy Spirit. I have come to realize that there is SO MUCH MORE than what we can only see, hear, touch, taste, and smell in the natural realm. I have come to realize that NOTHING satisfies my heart like seeing so-called "impossibilities" bow to the name of Jesus.

Anything less than all of these things is ABNORMAL and unfulfilling.

God has given me fresh Kingdom eyes to see what "normal" Christian living ought to be.

I can't ever go back to living a stale, unsatisfying and hollow Christian life. I can't ever go back to who I was. This has become my normal.

"It is unnatural for a Christian to not have an appetite for the impossible."

-Bill Johnson

Today... was a bad day! I woke up feeling like I was a disgrace to God. I felt like I was forsaking my Savior. I have lost my passion for Him in some ways... sure I'm on an amazing mission trip... but I am burned out and miss my relationship with my Savior. I feel like Moses a bit when he told God he would not go anywhere without His presence. I don't want to do a thing if He is not leading or directing. This morning I woke up and felt a MAJOR spiritual depression. I felt like I had lost something and could not get it back... Then God showed up with infinite grace. As usual God used a person to show me His love. God sure loves relationships.

I still feel like absolute S.... and I don't mean $ or anything else. This has been a really exhausting month and I am worn out and feel like I have been some huge dudes punching bag. My inner man flat out hurts! I feel defeated yet know I am more than a conquer. I want to lie down but it is time to awake you sleepers. I want to sit down but I know I must stand. I feel like I have been kicked in the butt yet I know I am the head not the tail. I want to piss and moan... yet I know I should do all things without complaining. I feel overcome by heaviness, yet I know I must put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. Once David was about to be stoned by all of his friends because their women and children were kidnapped (1Samuel 30). In verse 6 it says David strengthened himself in the Lord....

So what do we do when we feel like this? To we just roll over and take it or do we find the inner resolve, stand up and fight?

What do you do when you are out of gas and you don't have the energy to pick up the sword? What do you do when you feel like all the oil has been burned out of your torch? Can you find the Holy Spirit within yourself and stand up and fight the good fight of FAITH? Do not be deceived we are in a fight and our enemy is like a lion and he would like to devour us! However, we are more than conquers, we must simply stand up and fan the flame. We must be careful to now allow our torch to be extinguished. There are days where your arm is tired and you want to put the torch down but you can't! There are days where it is raining so hard you are certain that the flame will be quenched. Yet you mustn't allow the torch to be extinguished.