As you all know I am moving to California to attend school at Fuller University. This process has been a faith builder for sure! God is stretching me more than words can ever express. I don't understand it yet but I am beginning to believe in something called Spiritual Momentum. Sometimes we pray a crazy prayer that reshapes our lives and our mindset 100%. I think I am at that place in life where God has increased the speed of my growth to hyper-light speed. The dial has been turned all the way to the right and the needle on the speedometer is pinned as far as it can go! The pressure gauge is bouncing up and down because it is about to blow up! I think that is a clear picture of where God has me at the moment!
Once Erika and I decided to make the move we crossed the line of no return! We felt like we were altering the course of our life forever! Yet we have 100% confidence this is the path that God has illuminated before us. God makes me laugh! He tends to give us abundantly exceedingly more than we can ask for or think of! Deciding we were going to school is only the tip of the iceberg! God has dropped some AMAZING stuff in our laps the past two weeks. Now that things are a little clearer I want to share some of this with my faithful blog readers.
Now if your are one of those crazy blog readers that likes to read while standing you may want to sit down cause this is some crazy stuff I am about to share with you! God is radically changing and shaping our lives and I could not be any happier to share this news with you!!!! While we were in Moldova God revealed to us that Erika was carrying our first child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes folks that is right! I am going to be a DADDY and Erika will be a MOMMY!!!!!! We are so excited about this gift from God! God moves in strange ways! We found out in Moldova that Erika was pregnant.
However, God revealed it to three people in Berlin, Germany. Justine, Chuck, and Melina.... Thank you for knowing we were going to have a baby and praying for us in this process. Justine, thank you that when God told you Erika was pregnant you wrote it down in your journal and then prayed over Erika and our baby! While we were in Berlin God told me He had an inheritance for me! I was excited and was sure there was some sweet blessing coming into my life. I did not know that God was giving me a lineage as my heritage. Our child marks the start of a new phase of our lives and an increased level of God's trust. We believe He is trusting us to steward a great godly son/daughter that will have a major impact in the Kingdom of God. We are more than excited to have a little munchkin in our midst!!!
Approximate Photo of our Child
We are so confident that the timing is perfect and from God. That is so hard to say because in my mind the timing is odd. However, I know this is exactly as God intended. It is odd to think of raising our child for a year or two across the country, but I know this is God's will. When I was in Nigeria I was asked to preach at a school for missionary kids. God gave me a word to share with the children. The word was, you are not here just because your parents are here. Your parents are here for you! God wanted you to be raised in Nigeria! You have an inheritance here in Nigeria that God brought YOU here for. It makes me laugh that I taught that and now it is something God is teaching me. I know we are moving to California just as much for our baby as we are for us! I believe after school we will move back to Georgia and live life there!
In this amazing process God is stretching my faith in Him a LOT. I believe God loves my family and will provide for us! I don't know what that looks like just yet, but I believe we will be taken care of! I experienced a major faith crisis and had a bit of a break down. During that time someone encourage me to make a list of the things I wanted. So I did! This is a list of stuff that I am praying that God will provide for us! I believe He will be faithful and provide every bit of it! And we would love if you would pray with us for the provision of God in our lives.
The presence of God in our lives
A great Church family
Wisdom to raise our child
2 Samsung Galaxy S phones. Great Cameras on the phone!
New laptop (Erika's is BUSTED)
A mountain bike (Brad's mode of transportation in Cali)
A Cannon SD780 Camera for baby photos! Let face it, Great baby photos are a MUST
Baby needs: Stroller, Crib, Car seat, bottles.... the works
A sweet house/appt that can be a home and a church!
Posted in General Posts by Brad Baldwin on 8/20/2010
As we approach the end of the World Race so
many variables are up in the air.Before
Erika and I left on the World Race our primary prayer was that God would show
us what the next step of our lives was to look like. While in Africa, I was
starting to get restless because we still did not know what was next for
us.We kept praying, but heaven appeared
to be silent on the issue.I would pray,
"God, I need to know the next step so I can start getting things in
order."In God's infinite wisdom He did
not tell me early in the trip because He knew I would pull my hair out if I had
too much time.While in Berlin, God made
it CRYSTAL CLEAR what the next step in our endeavor was!He told Erika and I over and over and OVER
that we needed to move to Pasadena, California where I would be attending
Fuller University for a MDIV.I was
overwhelmed and super excited all at the same time.Before the World Race, I had never wanted to
attend a seminary school, and I NEVER WANTED TO MOVE TO CALI.But somehow, both things became the desire of
my heart when God breathed life on it!!!I am so thankful He gave me vision and direction!Once I got the "word of the Lord," I took off
sprinting to get stuff done!Within a
day, Erika and I had applied for school, loans, housing, jobs . . . you get the
picture.
God has wired me to be a man that knows how
to accomplish tasks with excellence and in an efficient manner!I say that to credit Him for the gifts He gave
me, not to boast in myself.(However, I
am freaking incredible and awesome!)We
began doing everything Erika and I needed to do for the move.At the end of the day, I looked around and
God was not there.I looked back and He
was still at the word GO.He had not
been invited into the process of accomplishing stuff.I stopped what I was doing and said, "Lord, I
am sorry I left you at GO!Please be a
part of this process.I am sorry I did
not invite you into the process."In
that time I realized how Moses felt when God told him to cross over into the
promise land.Moses did not want to be
in the promise land, He wanted to be with God.His heart cried, "God, I can't go anywhere without you!You are my life and nothing else
matters!Lord, stay with me!Let me stay with you!!!!"This became the cry of my heart!Lord, I can't go to school without you!I can't make this move unless you are there
with me.I need you as the breath in my
lungs and food to my stomach.I knew in
that moment that God was with me and would be moving with me!Shortly after this, God reminded me of Genesis
15:1- After these
things the word of the LORD came unto Brad in a vision, saying, Fear
not, Brad: I am your shield, and your exceeding great reward. (God was
talking to Abram not Brad)
Knowing God is
our reward is comforting; knowing God is a rewarder of those who diligently
seek Him also encourages me!I have to
confess to you that I had a major faith crisis in this situation.To move across the country without your
friends and family is a very hard decision to make!Yet, to be obedient to God is so worth
it!In the mix of things I began
thinking of the reality of the situation.I was moving across the country with my wife!We do not have jobs, and the economy is not
fantastic . . . I will be enrolled in school and trying to adapt to a new life
after being out of the country for a year . . . the weight of the situation was
getting pretty heavy!God is really
clear that if a man can not provide for his family his religion is in
vain.Shoot, I don't want to be that
man!Yet, I don't have a job or even
Internet access where I am to look for one.I began to have anxiety and stress on a scale I have never experienced
before!I was actually sick for almost a
week because of the stress and anxiety I had taken on!I could not shake it!I know that the Bible tells us to be anxious
about nothing!Yet I could not pray
enough to release my anxiety.I was
talking with my team about the situation and they gave me the insight I needed
to approach this situation and gain victory.One of my team members told me my mindset was all wrong.She told me my fear was a result of having a
poverty mindset - the belief that no matter how much I have, it would never be
enough.No matter how many times God has
come through and provided for me, I am always afraid it won't happen the next
time!Whoah... smack.... punch.... right
in the face!That is it!I have seen the provision of God countless
times, but I fear it is not for me!I
know God loves me, and desires to give me good gifts and even His kingdom.Yet I could not defeat my fear and poverty
mindset.Now that I saw the monster for
what it was, I began to attack, rather than continue to be attacked!I began to renew my mind, and I resolved that
God "...provides our needs according to His riches..."God DOES provide!He wants to take care of me!He is a good daddy!While the situation I find myself in has
still not changed (we still don't have enough money to make the move, jobs,
etc), my mindset has changed.I trust
God in a new way!I believe God wants me
to go to Pasadena, and I believe He will provide for me!I don't expect money to fall from the sky,
but I realize that income is always faith-based, even if we work for a huge
company like Google.At the end of the
day, God is the one who allows us to get a paycheck and stay employed.
In this process,
God has had me reading about Samuel.I
read something interesting in:
1 Samuel10:25- Then Samuel told the people the ways of
royalty, and wrote it in a book, and
laid it up before the LORD. And Samuel
sent all the people away, every man to his house.
I began to think
of royalty and the life of someone raised in a King's palace.A prince, king, princess - they all know who
they are and never fear having lack.The
thought of not being provided for would never cross their minds because
everything is at their disposal at any moment.(Selah) In God's Kingdom we are sons and daughters, and we are co-heirs
to the throne, thanks to Jesus.According to logic, this makes us kings, princes, queens and
princesses.By default, we should not
worry about stuff because we know that God is for us and not against us.He tells us not to worry about tomorrow.Don't get me wrong - He did not tell us NOT
to plan for tomorrow, just not to WORRY about it!Now that I have my head on right, I am
reminded who I am in Christ!In God, the
promises are yes and amen and I am moving from Glory to Glory!This whole situation has me moving closer
into the Heart of God!I realize that
this is very much about now and what I am going through!I also realize this is about my heart posture
and how I choose to respond to the stimulus thrown at me.Beyond that, this is about me gaining victory
over something so that I can equip people for the same battle in their own
lives!I praise God that He is
multi-dimensional and incredible all the time!
Sorry for faking a blog! Here is the meat you are all waiting for!
As you have noticed by now blogging is
not my strongest area! I tend to put it off and focus on a million
other things. I do not intend to neglect updating you so please
forgive me. On the race you are always pulled in a million different
ways all the time. Even on a day off it is hard to decide what you
will do. Should I chill out, study the scriptures, spend time with
the wife, encourage someone, write an email, play with the children
that are outside the window, watch a Movie, listen to music... You
get the picture. So often for me since I don't like writing all that
much I "forget" to blog. Now that I have validated myself I can
move forward into the update.
We had such an amazing time in Berlin.
We were totally transformed by God in the time we were there. We
left out of Berlin on a 25 hour bus ride. Yes that is 25 hours in a
bus. The bus we were on only stopped every four hours to use the
restroom. Are you kidding? That is not enough! I have to pee every
three minutes! Often bus rides are great! I have time alone, no
where to go and few distractions. I get a lot of quality thinking
done on buses. This year I have spent close to 250 hours on a bus.
That is ten days. That is not including planes or trains. I mean,
that is a lot of travel! Sorry, I got off topic. So after 25 hours
of riding a bus we were dropped off in Edinet, Moldova. The bus
dropped us of in the middle of the road... seriously. We were
fortunate enough to have a local willing to help us find a shuttle to
take us the rest of the way to Ocntia, Moldova. Our shuttle took us
one hour up the road and he stopped at an intersection where there
was a little construction. We were unable to go under the bridge. I
looked up and a man was walking to the shuttle. It was our contact.
He informed us as soon as the construction was over he would come
pick us up in his van. Fast forward. Our contact picks us up in the
van, we get our stuff loaded and he says, "you ready to go
camping." I though to myself, "uh... HECK NO!!" After being
in Berlin and then on a bus for 25 hours all I wanted to do was lay
down and sleep! I was exhausted. The van took us another 2 hours
into the vast wilderness where we found our lovely shanty that was
awaiting us. My attitude sucked and I needed a major attitude check!
There was not enough room in the house so Erika and I had to pitch a
tent! We camped outside for three days! Our conditions were
primitive. We bathed in the river and used the restroom in the
smelliest outhouse I have found this year. I have to admit that
every part of me was pissed off! I wanted a real bed and a hot meal!
I was not expecting this at all! Fortunate for me and everyone
around me, I woke up the next day feeling a lot better! I realized I
was surrounded by beautiful scenery! We were in a valley with a
river running through it! It turned out to be a great time of
relaxation.
After our three days was over we went
back to Ocnita, Moldova and began to teach an English camp. The camp
was twice a day, three hours each time... The children were very
sweet and super smart! We played lots of sports and taught them
English from the book of Genesis. We found out that we were actually
going to be leaving this ministry site! We knew we would be leaving
soon. Three days after we go to Ocnita we left and headed to another
location in Moldova. We took another bus for around two hours and we
arrived at the bus stop and we met our new contact! He is actually
younger than I am! He is an amazing man! His English is very
limited, but he is incredible! I wish we could speak more! I think
we would be great friends. I don't even know the name of the village
we are living in. That is odd. Any way, we are still living in the
1800's. There is no running water. However, we do have a well
pretty close to us. We take bucket showers and we are all sleeping
on our mats that we brought with us. Not quite as fancy as the
Hilton, but much more cozy! Our ministry the past week has been
walking around hoping to meet people to talk to! That is it! Quite
simple, just making friends and sharing the love of Jesus with them.
I think that every person we have talked to has started crying.
There is a lot of sorrow here, and for some reason they see us as a
sign of hope. We have been so fortunate to be here! The "sisters"
from the church have been taking such good care of us! They have
prepared every meal for us and cleaned up after us after most! We
are being spoiled in some ways! Yet in contrast we take bucket
showers, wash clothes by hand, use the outhouse, sleep on the
floor... I guess this month is really teaching us we don't need a lot
in life to be happy!
I know I need to write a blog, but I
feel like so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin.
As you may know we are in Berlin, Germany and have been for a little
while. We were originally scheduled to leave here on July 12th.
I was having a horrendous time finding transport on those days to
Moldova. I must have spent at least five hours searching for buses,
trains, or planes. I had NO luck. I was too dense to think that
maybe God was saying something. I was fighting, relying on my
strengths to accomplish the task at hand. One day I asked Chuck (our
contact) to take me to the bus station. He obliged and we went on
our merry way. The van ride was mostly silent. I had a crazy
experience in the van ride. The longer we were out the more
disturbed I became. I had an agitation in my chest that words can
not describe. I just knew that we were not supposed to leave on the
12th. As I thought about it and prayed about it I knew
what I needed to do. It was my job to ask our teams to pray about it
together. When we got home the troops gathered together and we hit
the prayer carpet! I asked everyone to take ten minutes to listen to
God and ask Him what He wanted us to do. Durring the ten minutes we
all had an encounter with Heaven. God revealed his love to us, and
His desire for us for the next few days. He made it clear that we
were not supposed to leave just yet. There was more that He wanted
us to do here, and that He wanted to do with us.
Since we have been here our contact has
asked us to only do a few things. Our ministry this month has been:
Prayer
Worship
Listening to God
We have been pouring every ounce of our
heart and soul out into Berlin and the people working in the harvest
here. The more we pour out the more God is pouring Himself in us. I
am so honored and lucky to be here! There is something amazing about
how God is blessing our efforts to restore this great Nation! The
spiritual history in this place is incredible! This nation has a
history of glorifying God and it was tainted for a long time! It is
still tarnished and beaten, but God the King of Glory, the
Restoration of Worlds is HERE! God inhabits the people in Berlin!
He honors those who are laboring in the harvest here! He is offering
Himself to us in fresh new ways here. I have seen each person on my
team increase in who they are in dramatic ways! God is shaking us!
We are watching each other be transformed into the very image of
Jesus daily! We are learning to love more, care more, give more, and
be more! We are becoming the very people Jesus created us to be. I
am in a continual state of awe! God, my creator is refining all of
us in such unique ways! It is His very nature to be perfect, and I
am watching Him perfecting each of the women on my team. They have
always been incredible women! They have massive hearts that break
when God's heart breaks. They have gifts from God that are scary!
They have the ability to change a room just by walking into it! The
same Holy Spirit that lives in Jesus lives in each of them. Just
being around my girls watching what God is doing them renders me
speechless. I feel like I am watching them jump into the deep end of
the pool. I wish I had words to tell you how magnificent the beauty
of God is in them! They are reflecting His image to me daily in
their smiles, laughter, worship, prayer, concern, service,
compassion... I am just in awe of Him and how He can use us.
I think of this often. How is it that
the Great and Mighty God of the Universe can find a way to use me,
delight in me, love me, and spend time with me? Seriously, how does
He stop what He is doing to laugh at Jordan with me? I know He does
not stop what He is doing! He actually brushes Justine's hair out of
her face while, showing Jamie how creative she is, while breaking
Jordan's heart for injustice, while twirling Erika around on the
dance floor, while laughing with me at how Great each of them are.
God created time, therefore; He is not within the confounds of time!
He is outside of time. God has the ability to spend all of eternity
in one moment........ Maybe the moment where you gave your life with
Him. Maybe the moment where you were wounded, where you forgave,
where you danced, where you sang. Maybe His is living in each of
those moments with you. I am realizing that God is a lunatic for the
way He loves us. It is reckless. He has abandoned logical thought,
thrown all caution to the wind and leaped into our arms. I can
tangibly feel God's love for me in Berlin. He is speaking to me and
helping me realize so much! He is such a gentleman and His timing in
impeccable.
While we have
been in Berlin, Jamie Neumann has received a creative bug that is
contagious. Jamie asked all of us to pick a few words to describe
who we are in Berlin. I was thinking about it and decided that I
AM WHO I AM. This phrase is so
intense for me that I hardly know what it means. I am is who God
revealed Himself as to Moses in Exodus
3:14-God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is
what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "
God is telling Moses I AM. Not I was or will be, but I AM! The
deal with God is He just IS, he will not be or was. He straight up
just IS!
Posted in General Posts by Brad Baldwin on 7/21/2010
God is communicating His heart to Erika
and I a lot this year. One of the main things we have heard
repeatedly is the power and authority God has given us. Since I
became a Christian I have know that God purposed me for great things.
I also knew that He would have to give me a strong wife to put up
with me and do what I am called to do. Honestly, I do not know what
I will be doing in my future, I have desires and hopes. But the
reality of the situation is I don't know what I will be doing. There
are a few things I am certain of:
God loves me
He gave me a great wife
He has an intense call
on my life
He has an extreme call
on our marriage
God is speaking frequently about the
spiritual authority we have in our marriage. When I hear this a
extreme excitement begins to churn within me! I love how God works
multi-dimensionally. God knows the desires of my heart! He knew
since I was a small boy I loved hot, skinny, blonds. God also knew
that I wanted a woman who was smart, like pushes me to be smart cause
she is so smart. He also knew I wanted a woman that was funny and as
long as Erika is not trying she is a riot! Above all God knew that
my heart was to serve Him all of my days. He knows me! He knows my
strengths and weaknesses more than I do. In His infinite grace He
reveals things to me so that I can improve myself for His glory.
Sadly, I overlook so many of my shortcomings. I become full of pride
and boast in myself. Fortunately, God knows my every thought and
need. He knows I need Erika in my life to encourage me to be the man
God has called me to be. He knows I needed a strong woman that can
see me as I am, and help me become who I need to be! He knows I want
to be pushed to greatness! Therefore, He gave me Erika. I have
heard it said, "behind every great man is a greater woman." I
can not confirm the validity of this statement, but I can attest to
its validity in my own life. Erika is my best friend and my life
partner! She is a gift from God and He requires me to steward her
wisely. She loves me just as I am, yet she refuses to let me settle!
She rouses me to greatness! She hears the ringing of the call and
she answers with me! The call is exciting, but nothing can be built
without a foundation. God has made it very clear what my foundation
is:
Love the Lord with all my heart,
mind, soul, strength
Love Erika and serve her as Jesus
serves me
Love everyone more than I love
myself
(You
can not love others till you love yourself)
Remain humble
I believe if I establish these four
pillars in my life everything else will take care of itself. God
tends to make things pretty easy, yet incredibly complicated at the
same time. He did promise His yoke would be easy and His burden
light. I truly do not know what we will do in our lives for the
Lord, however; I am confident I have the partner God intended me to
have!
Erika you are incredible! I thank God
for you every day! We have had so many great days, some hard days,
and some in between. No matter where we are or what we are doing, I
am thankful for you! In heaven you will have crowns for the way you
handle me. You are a honorable woman and I am lucky to have you!
Posted in General Posts by Brad Baldwin on 7/13/2010
GOD
HOOKED ME UP WITH A GREAT WIFE! READ WHAT SHE WROTE!
"And
do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing
of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and
perfect will of God" (Romans 12:2).
It
has become normal to hear the sounds of Heavenly instruments playing
wherever I go, all throughout the day.
I
has become normal to hear angels harmonizing with us while we
worship.
It
has become normal to see armies of angels standing in front, behind,
and on either side of us when we pray.
It
has become normal to experience God's presence EVERYWHERE.
It
has become normal to hear God's voice audibly.
It
has become normal to not just read the book of Acts, but to LIVE the
book of Acts.
It
has become normal to see the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit
descending over us when we worship Him.
It
has become normal to have our eyes so fixed on God, that we become
completely unaware of ourselves.
It
has become normal to say things we ourselves did not think to say; to
pray things we ourselves did not think to pray; to sing songs we
ourselves did not write.
It
has become normal to pray in a Heavenly language.
It
has become normal to weep uncontrollably over the things that grieve
the Holy Spirit.
It
has become normal to fall madly in love with complete strangers.
It
has become normal to be the ones telling the stories of God's love
and power, and not the ones hearing about them.
It
has become normal to break out into side-splitting laughter with the
joy of the Holy Spirit.
It
has become normal to believe in AND TO SEE healing and deliverance.
It
has become normal to see the harvest of our labor.
It
has become normal to fight alongside our brothers and sisters with a
fiercely INTENSE love.
It
has become normal to be contagious, and to INFECT TRUTH wherever we
go.
It
has become normal to live a life of BOLD FAITH.
It
has become normal to walk in our callings and our giftings.
It
has become normal to cry out for more of God, and then to receive it.
It
has become normal to live a life of expectancy, excitement, and hope.
It
has become normal to be Holy Spirit filled, Holy Spirit led, and Holy
Spirit empowered.
It
has become normal to live in the everyday miraculous.
It
has become normal to actively pursue "Your Kingdom Come. Your
will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."
It
has become normal to break loose from all chains and bondage and step
into a life of COMPLETE FREEDOM!
It
has become normal to have significance, purpose, and destiny.
I
have come to realize that the "normal" Christian life means
miracles, spiritual intervention, and revelation. I have come to
realize that the "normal" Christian life means having an
appetite for the impossible that cannot be ignored, wished away, or
satisfied by anything else. I have come to realize that the "normal"
Christian life means continuous encounters with the incomparable
power of Holy Spirit. I have come to realize that there is SO MUCH
MORE than what we can only see, hear, touch, taste, and smell in the
natural realm. I have come to realize that NOTHING satisfies my heart
like seeing so-called "impossibilities" bow to the name of
Jesus.
Anything
less than all of these things is ABNORMAL and unfulfilling.
God
has given me fresh Kingdom eyes to see what "normal"
Christian living ought to be.
I
can't ever go back to living a stale, unsatisfying and hollow
Christian life. I can't ever go back to who I was. This has become my
normal.
"It
is unnatural for a Christian to not have an appetite for the
impossible."
Things have been weird. Africa was
nuts! I LOVED it and am glad to be gone at the same time. The
children I met and the stories they told really stick with me!
Seeing the hope and joy they have in the midst of such great tragedy
is like a kick in the chest! I piss and moan far more than someone
as lucky as I am should. The kids really get to me! Especially the
ones with bad/no dads. I know that is birthed out of a place in
myself because of the lack of relationship with my own father.
Nonetheless, it just sticks with me. You see the innocent children
who don't really do anything wrong, yet their lives are marked with
injustice.
I want to tell you a story from when we
were in Jos Nigeria. First, the background: Jos is a place that has
major conflict between Christians and Muslims. The conflict is
political and ethnic much more than it is religious, but it is easier
to blame religion. While in Jos, we went into the villages where the
conflict had recently escalated into violence and murder. On our
first day visiting the villages, we went to Dogo Nahawa. Over 200
people were killed in this village in one night just two months
before we arrived. These people were savagely beaten, hacked with
sticks and machetes, burned, and shot. The brutality in the attack
was senseless and uncompromisable. As I had come to expect when
visiting a village for the first time, the children went nuts, and so
did I. Before I knew it, I had an entourage of at least 10 kids. We
walked with most of the villagers through the remains of their
village, assessing the damage and hearing peoples' hearts. The
pastors told their stories about how both of their churches were
burned. One man told us how most of his family was killed and all he
had left was a single grandchild. As we were walking, a
seven-year-old boy named Feist who was holding my right hand tells
me, "I have something I want to tell you." I knelt down
and responded, "Oh ya buddy, what is that?" He told my,
"When they came in and attacked us, they killed my dad." I
just looked at him trying not to cry... and proceeded to tell him how
sorry I was. Praise, the nine-year-old boy holding my left hand told
me, "His dad was protecting my mom when they killed him."
I could feel no resentment from either of these two boys; they were
actually close friends. I was overwhelmed and did not know what to
say or do. I took Feist and threw him on my shoulders hoping that it
would ease his pain for just a moment. I grabbed Praise's hand again
and we kept walking like nothing happened. But something did happen
in me, and it has not stopped yet! My hear is breaking for these
boys again as I sit and retell their story.
Feist is the smaller boy on the left
I have realized that for some of the
people I have met this year, there is nowhere they can go and nothing
they can do to change their past, and very little they can do to
improve their future. I think about this topic often, the injustice
and the option for betterment. Before the World Race, I would have
said that each person is in charge of his or her own future and they
are the only ones who can limit themselves. I have realized what a
privileged mindset that is. There are so many people in the world who
are truly stuck with the cards they have been dealt. They are
refuges, gypsies, prostitutes,and orphans; hopeless, destitute, and
desperate. I have encountered so many Feist is the smaller boy on the left people that have no means of
improving their lives without a strong outside influence. I have
discovered this to be a poverty mindset that is more than just a
mindset. It is a byproduct of no self-worth, no dreams, no goals, no
aspirations. I used to despise welfare, and food stamps . . . I
still am bothered by it, but I get it in a new way. In Romania,S the
gypsies are the "untouchable class." They are viewed as
garbage. Many of them are forced to be beggars, while others are
lucky enough to find work in a field. People spit in their faces
because they are gypsies. They are denied employment because their
skin is a bit darker. They have chosen to live as an isolated people
group, because outsiders are the enemy. Again, it is a
mindset/reality that perpetuates a defeatist mentality. It is
devastating and destructive to the nation as a whole. No man feels
like a man when he is not providing for his family; no woman feels
like a woman when she is dirty and has no running water. These
people live with a fraction of what we have, and what they do have is
often taken from them. Yet somehow, as beaten as they are, they find
hope and joy in their situations.
How is it that these people have hope
and joy? How do they have the inner resolve to continue on despite
the trials they face daily? The people I have met know suffering.
They have experienced hell on earth. Yet, they chose not to be
defeated. They chose to smile. They chose to hope. They chose to
love.
I find myself frequently asking, who
has it right? Who is better off? How can I make a difference in
their lives as much as they have made in mine? I really don't know.
I want to help people! I don't want to be the white guy with $. I
want to be part of a solution to make the world a better place. I
have realized that I don't deserve anything I have, I was born white,
born middle class, born smart, born with a fat belly, born in the
United States, and born free. I did nothing to earn any of those
things. Yes, I have continuously worked to better myself. But I
have always had so many tools and resources available to me. I want
to find a way to help others in their time of need. I am discovering
God's grace as a covering on my life in a way I never knew. It is by
the grace of God that I am American . . . that I am smart . . . that
I am married . . . that I am on the World Race . . . He has blessed
me with things that I don't deserve and He knows what I can handle
and what I cannot! The same is true of the people I have met! He
has given them what they need to survive. He has given them the
grace to endure, to overcome in a manner that is foreign to me!
Today... was a bad day! I woke up
feeling like I was a disgrace to God. I felt like I was forsaking my
Savior. I have lost my passion for Him in some ways... sure I'm on
an amazing mission trip... but I am burned out and miss my
relationship with my Savior. I feel like Moses a bit when he told
God he would not go anywhere without His presence. I don't want to
do a thing if He is not leading or directing. This morning I woke up
and felt a MAJOR spiritual depression. I felt like I had lost
something and could not get it back... Then God showed up with
infinite grace. As usual God used a person to show me His love. God
sure loves relationships.
I still feel like absolute S.... and I
don't mean $ or anything else. This has been a really exhausting
month and I am worn out and feel like I have been some huge dudes
punching bag. My inner man flat out hurts! I feel defeated yet know
I am more than a conquer. I want to lie down but it is time to awake
you sleepers. I want to sit down but I know I must stand. I feel
like I have been kicked in the butt yet I know I am the head not the
tail. I want to piss and moan... yet I know I should do all things
without complaining. I feel overcome by heaviness, yet I know I must
put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. Once David was
about to be stoned by all of his friends because their women and
children were kidnapped (1Samuel
30). In verse 6 it says David strengthened himself in the
Lord....
So what do we do when we feel like
this? To we just roll over and take it or do we find the inner
resolve, stand up and fight?
What do you do when you are out of gas
and you don't have the energy to pick up the sword? What do you do
when you feel like all the oil has been burned out of your torch?
Can you find the Holy Spirit within yourself and stand up and fight
the good fight of FAITH? Do not be deceived we are in a fight and
our enemy is like a lion and
he would like to devour us! However, we are more than conquers, we
must simply stand up and fan the flame. We must be careful to now
allow our torch to be extinguished. There are days where your arm is
tired and you want to put the torch down but you can't! There are
days where it is raining so hard you are certain that the flame will
be quenched. Yet you mustn't allow the torch to be extinguished.
A friend just gave me a word from God
that spoke to my core more than you may know. My friend saw me
holding a torch in the rain with a protective cover over my head.
Here are the options... Who you want to be???
Yes I used a open source program to edit/create this image. click here to download the program
I have been thinking a lot the past few
days... the smell of smoke is permeating my nose. First, I am sorry
I have not blogged in a while! Things have been crazy, I could write
for days but it seems like I have nothing to write about! That is
the paradox I dwell in presently.
This past month has been interesting
and challenging! We were fortunate enough to live with an amazing
Gypsy Family that loved us every minute we were there. When we first
arrived we were so enamored with the beauty of our new home! The
grass, hills, and flowers were everywhere filling our eyes with what
seemed like a dream! When we first arrived we had a great welcome
and felt like this month was going to be super! We had taken a night
train and were quite exhausted so we all took a nap! When we woke up
there was meat in the house! Lots of MEAT! That does not happen in
Africa, Asia, or Central America. So we were pretty happy! Our
contact, Sandu, informed me that his stomach was a cemetery. I
thought to myself, "I hope mine will be as well."
Sandu and Rita have three children,
Danny (18), Lacie (10), and Bennie (6). These children are great and
I miss them already! The kids were great!
When we first go there we
played and played. After a few days I realized these kids must eat
sugar all day long! They DO NOT CALM DOWN EVER. There was no where
I could go to escape them. Our room was upstairs, thank God they
respected that space, but their voices did not stay downstairs! I
felt violated, and like somehow I was being cheated. I needed
personal space and time but could not find it. The kids were
constantly saying, "Go lake", "Go play", "Go lake", "Go
play". I wanted to go to the lake, but I wanted to go alone.
I asked
myself, "Why did you go on the WR?" I responded, "I chose to
go on this trip and give everything I have away in love for God."
I knew I had to die to myself and my
desires and take the kids to the lake. So I did, then they would not
even get in the water. I was pissed! Now I have to stay on the
steps cause you can't swim. Again, I have to die to myself. God has
given me a chance to teach this child to swim. Fast forward for a
second, the kids still can't swim. Rewind!
I realized in this encounter that my
perspective was way off. I was viewing the kids as a nuisance not as
God's children. I prayed and asked God to shift my perspective.
From that moment my relationship with those children changed. I went
from agitated all the time to patient and calm. I discovered
God's heart for those boys! They are great kids that lack
discipline. They were just like me! They had too much energy and
like to push boundaries. I made it clear what my boundaries were and
they stayed in the lines most of the time. I chose to love those
boys as God loves them over disliking actions that are pleas for
attention. Those boys got my attention and my heart! They are so
beautiful and I began to appreciate them as God does.
This is a major theme God has been
teaching me for the past few months. God does not view as we view
nor does He judge as we judge. His ways are higher than ours! If
God could make a mistake it would still be better than our
perfection. God sees everything! He understands why we do
everything on a scale that is hard to understand. There are so many
people I make snap judgments about! More times than not, eh, every
time I judge without knowledge. I make assumptions rather than
asking God for facts. I chose to trust myself and my thoughts over
asking God His.
On the WR we often pray for one
another... ask God to reveal something to us for the person... ask
Him to give us a scripture to encourage... a picture... a word...
just something. I have learned that before I can pray for someone in
this manner I must first ask God to let me see the person as He loves
the person. Once I can see the person as God sees the person I begin
to love them as God loves them. I don't see them as a flawed terd, I
see them as someone who loves, hurts, sings, cries, dances, reads...
you know human!
